Full Moon in Sagittarius. This one feels big. They typically don’t. Being with the messages it brings.
- Ugly cry. Lots of releasing. Letting go. Feeling. Being with.
- The women I polo daily, can share with, be real and raw.
- A tiny bottle of sparkling rosé, because.
- Impromptu lunch with my go-go girl. Evergreen. I’m not a salad girl. I love that she is. I barely ate any. She devoured hers. She’s always showing me new places. I love that.
- Rib back in place. Frustrated. Ready for my body to be strong. And yet, rib back in place. Grateful.
- First walk in the woods in months. With the dogs. That ugly cry I mentioned above. Yeah that. So sad I knew the place that would feel better is with my legs moving, dogs sniffing, in my backyard forest. Thank you mother.
- Video therapy! I needed to feel the anger. Writing wasn’t doing the trick. So I recorded myself. Then watched and listened. Saw how I softened. There was compassion. Understanding. Love. This may be my new favorite way to process anger.
- Comfort food that was still gluten free, dairy free. We both needed it. Kids were out and about. Along with couch conversation. Hearing each other. Dreams. Desires. Feels. More.
Worth mentioning. I said it over and over again today. I’m angry at how our society does grief. At how uncomfortable we are to be with each other through the grief and hurt. How I long to be with those I can ugly cry around where they just see and love me, without fixing. There are a few. And realizing myself, how I too tried to hold it together, for my daughter, for those around me. So I was being uncomfortable too, in my own way.
Not today. Today I felt. I let it out.
And my daughter came home. To a red and puffy eyed mama. She asked what was going on. I was honest. Said I was sad. And it’s ok to be sad and to cry. And we don’t need to fix each other in our grief. I said grief has no timeline, no agenda. It shows up, sometimes unexpectedly. Like this, for me, today.
I asked if she was uncomfortable, because that’s ok too. She said she wasn’t.
We are learning to be with grief in a new way. Uncomfortable. Messy. Compassionate.